If you are reading this, someone you love has been identified with a profile of autism known as PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). This often looks like a child who is being stubborn, naughty, or poorly parented. However, for a child with PDA, refusing a request is not a choice; it is a survival reflex caused by a brain that is hard-wired for extreme anxiety.
Why traditional discipline doesn't work for PDA
Many of us were raised in a time where "no" wasn't an answer. You might have been hit, shamed, or punished until you complied. You likely parented your own children with the same firm boundaries. When you see a child today refusing to put on shoes or ignoring a direct instruction, it can look like the parents are being weak or failing to provide structure.
For a PDA child, the brain treats a simple command—like "sit down"—the same way your brain would treat a wild animal entering the room. Their nervous system goes into "fight, flight, or freeze."
In this state, the part of the brain responsible for logic and obedience shuts down. Pushing harder, raising your voice, or using punishments only increases the "threat" level. It makes it biologically impossible for them to comply.
An anecdote: The "Bridge" vs. The "Shoes"
Imagine you are standing on a bridge. A family member you love and trust tells you to jump. Your brain immediately says "no" because it perceives a life-threatening danger. No matter how much that person yells, offers you a reward, or threatens to take away your phone, you will not jump.
For a child with PDA, being told to put on their shoes can trigger that exact same "life-or-death" feeling. They aren't trying to be difficult. Their brain is simply telling them they are not safe if they give up their control.
When parents use a "low-demand" approach, they aren't being weak. They are lowering the "threat" level so the child's brain can feel safe enough to eventually cooperate.
Why they "cannot" rather than "will not"
It is helpful to think of PDA as a "can't," not a "won't."
The "Won't" Child: Is testing boundaries and sees if they can get away with something.
The "Can't" (PDA) Child: Is in a state of high anxiety. They may have a meltdown, scream, or completely shut down because they feel overwhelmed.
You might notice that the child is perfectly lovely until a demand is made. This is because they are not a "bad" child. They are a neurodivergent child whose nervous system is highly sensitive to losing autonomy.
How you can help without clinical speak
You don't need a medical degree to support a PDA child. You just need to change how you talk to them. Instead of giving direct orders, try making observations.
Instead of: "Go wash your hands for dinner."
Try: "I’ve put the food on the table. The soap is ready by the sink."
By removing the direct "order," you remove the "threat." This gives the child the space to choose to wash their hands without their brain going into a panic.
We know that for previous generations, parenting was about compliance and respect. Today, we understand more about how different brains work. When we know better, we do better. Understanding PDA isn't about letting a child "get away with everything"—it’s about helping them feel safe enough to be part of the family.
If you found this helpful, you can read more articles on PDA and neurodiversity on our blog.